The Mermaid, Around 11 monthsFor her first five years, she was the "ooops" baby. I got my period the day after the honeymoon, so she wasn't conceived there, but the next month the stick said there was a reason I was constantly tired. After a year and half of trying, her sister joined the family. Two pounds smaller than sis, champion sleeper, I was ready for more.
When we got married, J and I knew we'd have between 4 and 6 kids. We liked our big families. Liked the craziness, chaos, closeness that comes with multiple siblings.
But three years later, a couple rounds of fertility drugs, and two years more, we're still a little family of four. There's no obvious reason. We haven't been exhaustive in treatment, but can't afford to financially or emotionally.
Jesse's much more zen about the situation. I fight and cry, railing against God, the universe, myself. People ask if we'll have more. Sometimes I explain, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just say "we'd like to."
Sometimes people try to reassure us that we'll have more, or encourage us to try more treatment. And though they mean well, we just don't think we will. The last stage of mourning is acceptance.
We may grow our family other ways. We may adopt or foster. I can imagine one or more of the cousins living with us at some point (someone is bound to rebel, right? or maybe they just want free room and board at the college we live by.) And there is the chance that I could get pregnant, I guess.
But if none of this happens, if it's just the four of us, we're a family. And both of those girls, though we were too young and naive to know it then, are miracles. Absolute miracles.
The Monkey, also around 11 months.
This is lovely Bekah. Not the trial, but the reflection. I'm sorry this is your trial.
ReplyDeleteThese are all good thoughts. I'm always interested in talking to students who are adopted or fostered to hear about the process, their feelings, and how everything is affecting their growing up. My heart breaks when I think about children not being taken care of. It seems so strange to think that things just can't be evened out in the ways that would be best for everyone.
ReplyDeleteYour girls are beautiful and wonderful spirits! you are so lucky to have such sweet people in your life. I'm so happy for you, that you are choosing to accept this path. God has different plans for you, and someday you will find out exactly what they are!
ReplyDeleteLove and Peace <3
I think about you every time I get a nasty cold :). I was just talking to another friend that has struggled a lot with fertility. She wonders why such a righteous desire isn't answered. But at the same time, she jokes that raising kids in the millenium will be really easy. Thank heavens for the gospel and an eternal perspective of our trials. I do sincerely hope that you are blessed with more!!!
ReplyDeleteyou did get two really great girls. but for that same reason, i would love for you to be able to have more. it's kinds cool to be able to look back and recognize what you couldn't see before--that these girls are miracles. glad to know that you'll take Bo if he starts getting too naughty for us.
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ReplyDeleteI'm still hoping for twin boys. What were their names going to be again?
ReplyDeleteDo you only take rebellious cousins or do you also take rebellious friends? Just wondering for future reference. We'd consider the free room and board too. Especially if you have a couple of trees to climb in your yard. :) Miss you!
ReplyDeletevery sweet. thanks for sharing bekah.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone. Lindi, we'll take you, too. Or your kids, whoever needs it more! The kids want request a yard for our next house. We'll see what we can do about trees, but they have to get themselves out of them!
ReplyDelete"Absolute miracles." Yes. Lovely and real. My goodness I miss laughing with you. Did we ever cry together? Because you just made me do that here. I miss you for this too.
ReplyDeleteYou two do have the cuttest and smartest kids. I wish you could make more too...you are such good parents. My cousin just addopted the sweetest little boy. It's thier only one. They tried every fertility method. He is so sweet.
ReplyDeleteSo cute. We had issues with finally getting a baby, too. After finally giving birth, a friend and i were talking and she mentioned how the timing for the baby to come to earth has to be right, too - many times, Heavenly Father is the only one that knows when that is (it's awfully hard when it's months or years after you're ready and trying). I so wish I had had that conversation in the year between having a miscarriage and ending up getting fertility treatment. Maybe I wouldn't have cried so much. Anyway, just wanted to say that I have tasted those same emotions and it's beautiful to see where you're at right now.
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