Happy Father's Day

The girls at Badlands, SD

When I was around Miriam's age, my dad would take us on road trips with him around the west.   Badlands, South Dakota.   Wall Drug and Mount Rushmore.   On other trips we drove to Tulsa or Rosebud.  

Last week, I felt as if history was repeating itself.  We didn't stop at any reservations, but we did stop at Wall Drug, Mount Rushmore and Badlands.  I don't remember much about those trips with my dad.  We may have been complaining all the way.  But as I showed these places to my kids, all I could remember was that my dad brought us along with him and made business trips into adventures.  So thanks Dad.  Happy Father's Day.

Self Help Reading

I've been doing a bit of reading lately. Visiting and revisiting some classics from the past. It started with a few heated discussions that ended with quite a few humble apologies. (really, it was getting comical how ridiculous I was being and how often I had to call J to apologize for my unreasonable outburst.) So I picked up one of the two marriage books on the shelf. These books often have great information that I try to incorporate in my interactions with Jesse. But mostly I love reading about the dysfunctional couples. The guys make J look so good and our problems so minor.

I've also been reading some YA fiction like Little Women and the prequels to Little House on the Prairie. I didn't realize how long it had been until I realized that I was more sympathetic to Marmee than to Jo. Here's what I learned:
-Marmee advocated for her children at school, taking them out when it was too stressful, or when the teacher used corporal punishment.
-Marmee was super affectionate and her children knew that she loved them dearly.
-She let her children make mistakes and take risks.
-When her daughters had problems, they almost always came to her for help.
After reading Little Women, I must say I was a lot more patient for a day or two, and really appreciated my girls.

The Little House books have gotten me parenting another way. You remember how Ma could always get the kids to do something, just by a look? They would stop fighting or complaining, start minding their manners from just a glance. I want that power! I don't want the kids to be scared of me, but that respect would be AWESOME! I've been putting G in time out left and right because of her sass and disrespect. It had been bugging me for awhile, but now I'm ready to do something about it.

Have you learned any good parenting skills lately? Do tell!

Two Plus Two

The Mermaid, Around 11 months

For her first five years, she was the "ooops" baby. I got my period the day after the honeymoon, so she wasn't conceived there, but the next month the stick said there was a reason I was constantly tired. After a year and half of trying, her sister joined the family. Two pounds smaller than sis, champion sleeper, I was ready for more.

When we got married, J and I knew we'd have between 4 and 6 kids. We liked our big families. Liked the craziness, chaos, closeness that comes with multiple siblings.

But three years later, a couple rounds of fertility drugs, and two years more, we're still a little family of four. There's no obvious reason. We haven't been exhaustive in treatment, but can't afford to financially or emotionally.

Jesse's much more zen about the situation. I fight and cry, railing against God, the universe, myself. People ask if we'll have more. Sometimes I explain, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just say "we'd like to."

Sometimes people try to reassure us that we'll have more, or encourage us to try more treatment. And though they mean well, we just don't think we will. The last stage of mourning is acceptance.

We may grow our family other ways. We may adopt or foster. I can imagine one or more of the cousins living with us at some point (someone is bound to rebel, right? or maybe they just want free room and board at the college we live by.) And there is the chance that I could get pregnant, I guess.

But if none of this happens, if it's just the four of us, we're a family. And both of those girls, though we were too young and naive to know it then, are miracles. Absolute miracles.The Monkey, also around 11 months.

The Talk

We had our first sex talk a couple of months ago since I knew the kids would have a lot of unsupervised time with cousins (and doesn't that always seem to be when erroneous information gets passed along in a hush-hush kind of way? BTW cousin Cindy, you can sleep with your bra on and not die because your circulation has been cut off by your bra band. Thanks for that little tidbit that had me jolting awake from naps as an early teenager.) I probably jumped the gun a little since their cousins aren't that much older than they are, but you never know what other kids are blabbing about on the playground.

Today, the monkey barged in on me in the bathroom (someday, we might have two bathrooms. Or a lock.) She was really upset that I was menstruating. I tried to explain that it wasn't a big deal and I wasn't in pain (although I really was, but didn't think that would help matters). Luckily, I had picked up a book at the library that has models of all the systems of the body. A quick explanation of the reproductive system, the uterus, with pictures, and we were on our way to story time (she's had several talks about eggs and fertilization). She even said "maybe next month we'll get a baby."

The book we had on hand was The Visual Dictionary of the Human Body. And I got some great ideas and courage from the Values Parenting website. They are the folks who do Joyschool, so if you have a membership, you have even more information available. Their free information is a good place to start, though.

Raising girls is kind of tough. They are smart and funny, sensitive, kind, beautiful, and full of so much potential. Helping them understand sex and sexuality is just a little part. But it's scary to think that these first chats are what opens (or shuts) the door to future conversations.

Temper, temper

Ok, I can't believe I'm publishing the fact that I check out Dr. Phil online to my family and friends. Jesse says that now you'll know I'm white trash. Um. I'm from Roseburg. If you didn't know, you do now.

But I had to post a link to this article about stopping temper tantrums. Because it works! Quick overview: Toddler=caveman. Use short phrases. Use tons of repetition. Use a lot of emotion/enthusiasm. Exaggerate your expressions.

I find this method hardest in the morning. "You want frosted flakes! You WANT frosted flakes! YOU WANT FROSTED FLAKES!" It takes A LOT of energy to pull it off in the morning. But the rest of the day, it's kind of fun. I feel less stressed out by their tantrums because 1. I'm letting them know I hear them and 2. I feel that as I verbalize for them, I'm giving them ownership of their feelings and I'm not responsible for that. I've noticed the tantrums have gone down in frequency and duration in the past few weeks.

I'm still not sure about what to do when G says "Yeah. You hear me. So give me what I want!" But she can't have it. Suggestions?